Progress Report -
THE CLINTON PRESIDENTIAL LIBRARY

Ideas have been coming in steadily for the Clinton Presidential Library, and we thank you for your participation!

There have been some fine suggestions which have been incorporated into the preliminary design specifications. (Others couldn't be used, in light of the new law about obscenity on the Internet).

  • NAME

    • T. Langst suggests that the institution be named the Clinton Presidential Liebrary. A terrific idea, but outcome-based education students have enough trouble with spelling as it is - should we risk confusing them? Carolyn Thomas thinks "The Hillary and Bill Clinton CO-presidential Library" would be appropriate. Hmmmmm . . . how about "The Hillary and Bill Clinton Co-presidential Liebrary" ?

  • LOCATION

    • Suggestions include Haiti or Bosnia (BobW), Viet Nam and Castle Grande, among others. Cicero suggests Intercourse, Pennsylvania (!) and L. Robbins suggests the town of Hell, Michigan because "It's not only an easy memory connection but we in Michigan could use the money!" Perhaps "Truth or Consequences, New Mexico", suggests Carolyn Thomas. No final choice has been made yet.

  • FUNDING

    • Funding will not be a problem. Since Hillary can turn $1000 into $100,000, we'll only need to raise about $50,000. The First Lady has assured us that she'll be able to take that and easily turn it into the $5 million required to complete the project.

    Perhaps something
    in Hillary Pink?

  • HEAD LIBRARIAN

    • The overwhelming choice of the American public for Head Librarian is Joycelyn Elders. The former Surgeon General's grace, wit and charm are certainly representative of the Clinton Administration, and she'll look oh-so-chic in her spiffy new Head Librarian uniform (maybe something in Hillary Pink?). Richard Wooley pointed out she's also a natural to be the one who hands out those special "gifts" for all the chillll-drennnn. Ms. Elders wasn't the only person suggested, though. Joe Baker suggested Janet Reno because "she could reach the top shelves" and "she'd do a great job of getting people to leave at closing time!" Besides, says Joe, "she looks like the librarian at my elementary school. She was scary, too!"

    This gentleman has applied
    to work in the Mail Room

  • STAFF

    • No competency tests of any kind will be given to applicants for staff positions - we wouldn't want to make anyone feel bad, by failing the test. It will be sufficient if they say they "will, like - ya know - like, try real hard and stuff" to do a good job. Special preference will be given to Trade War veterans. All Library staff members will be paid a "living wage" (whatever that is).

  • DESIGN

    • A suggestion for housing the Library in a trailer park unit was rejected (not big enough). Barry Tannenbaum offered the idea that the Library should be in the shape of a map of the U.S.A. because "after all, we should have a Library that 'Looks like America' ".

    Mystry Man suggests housing the Library in a circus tent, as it would be perfectly symbolic of the Clinton presidency. In addition, a tent would provide plenty of room for sideshows, such as The Cabinet, Whitewater, Travelgate and The Vince Foster Case. It would have been nice to include the phrase "The Greatest Show on Earth" as the Library's subtitle, but we've been informed that it is already the trademark of another famous circus, and therefore cannot be used. The carpeting throughout the Library will be Astro-turf, in Presidential Blue. All construction materials will be imported from Mexico.

    Santos Vigil reminded us that, with regard to restrooms, the Library will need at least 5 different kinds, because at the woman's seminar in China attended by the First Lady, the group concluded that there are 5 sexes: Male, Female, Homosexual, Bisexual, and Transsexual. Santos suggests that, to play it safe, we include a sixth kind as well: "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

    A Visitor Who Wishes to Remain Anonymous suggests that the Library feature a special deceptive maze interior design, where signs appear to lead visitors to the center or to the right, but always actually move the visitors to the left.

  • BOOKS AND EXHIBITS

  • Books will be written in erasable ink (Douglas Friedman) in words of no more than two syllables so that children who graduated from schools using Outcome Based Education can read them.(Mystry Man)

  • "Animal Farm", "A Brave New World" and "Dienetics" will be exhibited on special raised platforms with lighted candles, and books by Rush Limbaugh will be banned. (Mystry Man)

  • Since every presidential library features busts of famous people, the Clinton Library should exhibit the busts of Gennifer Flowers, Paula Corbin Jones, etc., etc. ( Steve Banich)

  • Joe Baker suggests that wax figures of the Clintons and Gores be on display in the library, and reminds us that big savings would result by using Al Gore himself "because no one would know the difference!"

  • Mr. Silver reminds us to put on exhibit a photo of the one time the Clinton Administration (inadvertently) actually told the truth, which happened when the light aircraft crashed within the White House grounds: the hanging of the yellow "Crime Scene" security tape all over the place!

  • GETTING THERE

    • Frank Cannavale,III suggests that MGM Grand Air be the official airline of The Clinton Presidential Library (it's highly recommended by Hazel O'Leary), and also that the White House Travel Office be in charge of arranging transportation for visitors. Santos Vigil suggested that visitors be flown in only through Mena Airport.

  • PUBLICITY

    • When The Clinton Presidential Library opens, a special U.S. Postage Commemorative Stamp will be issued. Like Elvis, the public will be given a chance to vote on how Mr. Clinton will appear on the stamp: BOXERS or BRIEFS?? (J.K.)

  • SPECIAL FEATURES

    • The Library will also feature:
  • A drive-through fast food window. Joe Baker suggests that it should sell waffles.
  • A children's play area, featuring see-saws and slides (the President's favorites) (Eric Chaves)
  • A mini-movie theatre which will continuously run Barbra Streisand movies
  • A booth where visitors can contribute to the Clinton Defense Fund (all charges will be dropped except for those on MasterCard and Visa)
  • For a little recreational diversion, nothing would hit the mark like the Janet Reno Shooting Gallery! (Carolyn Thomas)
  • A special Vince Foster wing, with empty shelves, to house missing documents. (James Packwood)
  • A replica of the Statue of Liberty, but with Hillary's face, will stand in front of the Library. (Mystry Man)
  • Each visitor will receive a complimentary pair of eyewear constructed of 100% wool (Santos Vigil)
  • And yes, there will be midnight basketball courts. (Joe Baker).


    KEEP SENDING IN THOSE SUGGESTIONS IN BY E-MAIL!

    Like to visit some REAL presidential libraries?
    Here's what's available on the Web
    (but before you leave, please be sure to add The EIP Network to your list of Bookmarks!):
    Yahoo's List of Presidential Libraries.